Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Regret...

Last night things came up in Tony's mind that he thinks we are not financially secure to move home. Can I just tell you my heart literally broke. I was so upset at work, I didn't even talk to people. I couldn't stop thinking about how mad, angry, and hurt I was to hear him say that to me.
Today I woke up in a not so good mood. I just laid in bed thinking of how could this be happening. I thought we figured it all out. I thought we decided we will make it work no.matter.what!! I thought we were going to be home. I thought we were going to finally be on our own, actually living life as a married couple. And when I heard Tony tell me things might change...I literally shut down.
Today I am regretting every leaving my great job back home. I am regretting leave my wonderful home in California. Today I will admit that I have regrets :( Today I have not stopped crying.

I have discussed this many time on my blog, and here I am yet again complaining about discussing it. Tony and I had an amazing life back home. I worked as the Human Resource Manager and we lived in a one bedroom apartment in my hometown. Life was good. Then I had this stupid brillant idea to actually move to Texas and see what life is all about there. Mistake!! I know I have always wanted to live here. My family and I have talked about it for years, so we came. I do not like it. I want my home back. I want my old life back. Do you ever wish you could turn back time?!?! I never really have to be honest. I have never believed in regrets. Not until now.

I know we can make things work. We have to for our marriage. For our sanity. For ourselves. The plan was for both of us to go back to school. Tony to get his degree in Business or something. Mine to get my BSN. Of course we would have to get student loans because there is no way we can afford it otherwise. Then the past couple days I was thinking maybe I should just let Tony go to school full time and I will work. Then it will be my turn again, sounds nice right? I would work full time to pay bills. He would go to school. Yea life would be tight, but we would be on our the life we shouldn't have given up in California.

Tony tells me today he doesn't want to get student loans for living expenses. He just wants to loans to pay for school. That's what you do, you get living expenses. And yes in the future you pay them back. I know the interest that accrues gets high, but come on it is worth it to live in our own apartment. I am to old to be living with family...especially being married.

I don't know how to make him realize we can make it work. That we need to get home. That we need to live alone. I will make every other sacrifice that need be, I just want to get back to California. I know things won't be how they used to when I was making good money. I know we might be strapped for cash, but isn't it worth our sanity?!?! If we have to get another car, we will. It doesnt have to be the nicest car...just to get us from point A to point B. We will eventually pay the loans back...I promise baby!

My eyes are so puffy. So red. So exhausted. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I am making myself sick over the stress of getting home. I have a million and one knots in my stomach from this situation. I need to get out of Texas and back home to California. I need to get back the life we once had.
We need to just go!
Things will work out sooner or later.
They have to right?!?!


Kate said...

Ugh. My heart goes out to you right now. Crying all day, being unhappy, unsettled... I'm so sorry. I believe in regrets. Yo never hear young people admit to their regrets (only older, wiser people do) and I admire that you admit to regretting your decision to quit your job and move. Having to have these convo's with your hubby when your mom is an ear-shot away probably isn't helping the situation either!

Sharon said...

I wish I could change your life for you right now sweetie, I do not know what to do. I could say no you cannot move with us, but that is not true, I would never throw you out unless you wanted me! I am so sorry I talked you into Texas. For your own health you need to talk Tony into it. Anything is possible to do if you want it bad enough. You can do it in California. I love you.

The Patrick's said...

I know exactly what you are going through. My husband and I moved to the east coast, from the Bay Area, for school. I cannot stand it here and I want to go back. My FIL (and his live in caregiver) moved in with us in December. We have only been married 7 1/2 monthes and having to deal with this... it's too much to handle sometimes. I completely understand what you are going through. I wish we could just turn back the clock

Natalia Simmons said...

That is a bummer. I miss California too. But at least you have a husband who loves you so much and is thinking about what he thinks is in your best interest. It's just that sometimes men only think financially and woman think emotionally. But there can be a balance. I feel you though.

Amanda Moury said...

I know how it feels when things seem out of your control...Just keep your head up and your faith high - things will work out just the way they're supposed to. Hang in there my friend.

Nicole-Lynn said...

Aw, I'm sorry to hear this.. things WILL get better! Have faith that it will. Work towards saving enough to move again, so you can get yourself an apartment or something to buy. There is always a way if you put your mind to it!