Monday, June 13, 2011

Me Monday's v. 9 {I Cried...A Lot}

Yesterday I cried.

Lots of tears.
Lots of snot tissues.
Lots of battles in my head.

As you all know I am taking Anatomy right now.
One of my last pre-reqs before I can apply to nursing school.
It is totally overwhelming. I don't think I have ever studied so much in my life.
All I have been doing since this course started is study.

I am burnt out!!
Totally. Completely.
Burnt out!!

How can I be burnt out with the second week just being over?
I have no idea.
Am I not cut out for nursing school?
Am I not cut out to return to school right now?
Am I unsure of my choice in this?

Not sure if I am cut out for nursing school
Not sure if I want to be in school for the next few years again. I was so excited 4 years ago when I got my B.S. Why am I returning??
I am not sure if this is what I want to do.

Yes I have always wanted to be a nurse.
But when my brother passed away, my thoughts changed. I don't know if I can emotionally handle it.
When I see things now I cry over them...even if I don't know the people.
I want to work with babies and when there comes times when I know they won't survive, I am not sure if I can handle it. Because I know too well what the family will go through.
I am not sure if I can separate emotioanlly from it.

I have been having this battle for a while now.
I let it out to Tony today and just started crying.
He never knows why I always cry over things...
I explained everything to him.
He let me talk.
But then didn't say much.

He says I need to make up my mind and stick to it.
If I don't want nursing, don't do it.
If I want it, do it.

Why to me is it a much larger decision???
Is seems easy enough that it should be
go for it or not. Right?!?

But it isn't.

So I cried.
And cried.
And cried.

Today is my first lecture exam. In all honesty, I know I will not get an A.
I have studied my ass off, but I still don't know the stuff. It isn't sticking in my head.
I have taken the practice quizzes online from the instructor.
Some I do great on, others I do horribly on.

There are only three exams for this course. All of them need to be an A or B to do well in the lecture part of the course.

I guess my decision will be based on how well I do on the exam.
I so want this.
I so don't want this.

I tear up as I write this because I am still battling with it.
I feel like there is no other option for me. That there is no other career for me. I want to make great money, don't we all. And I feel like being a nurse is my only choice for that.

I cried a lot yesterday. My face was totally red. Eyes swollen shut.
I feel a little relief by letting it out.
Yet, I am still battling what to do.

Which choice is better?
Which choice is right?


Lyryn said...

This is hard hun and I'm so sorry that you are struggling this with. This is a HUGE thing to be battling. Praying you start getting clarity! :)

Sharon said...

I love you Lindsay

Tracy-Girl @ Then I Got To Thinking said...

I know this must be so hard, but please know, you are NOT alone with big life decisions like this. My only advice: don't let one class get in the way of what you want to do. These challenges are sometimes put in our lives for a reason - to see if we can do it. YOU are a strong girl, you are smart, too. And guess what... you CAN do this. Being a nurse is sort of like being an angel. And at first, you may have a hard time dealing with deaths and patient issues... but even though I am not a nurse, I know quite a few, and they all say - the difference you make in people's lives totally outweighs the hard times! Keep your chin up, girl! You can do this!

Eric's Mommy said...

I know you can do it! Hang in there :)

Lindsay said...

Don't give up! It will all pay off and you are going to do just fine :)

Jeska said...

Hang in there girl! I remember my anatomy classes. They are the hardest classes I've even taken in my life but also the most interesting. Sorry to hear your brother passed. If you know this is your career field then push through, you will make it and be very proud of yourself at the end. Good luck with everything.

Sara said...

Big hugs to you girl, keep on keeping on, the end will be so rewarding. Good luck with your tests, and hopefully you're scoring S-bucks stat as a cheer-me-up.

The Patrick's said...

I know Anatomy is awful and stressful... but to do it in your, what, 6 week course? must be brutal. I dont know what type of class it is.. online or in person, or if you have a cadaver lab, but I have a program from McGraw Hill that worked wonders for me. Let me know if you ever need help. I have taken 3 different levels of Anatomy.

Angela said...

I don't know if those are rhetorical questions... but I think you should do nursing if that's what you REALLY want to do with your life, not just to make money! You can make money doing anything... it should be something you love, and money is just a means to an end. However, if you love nursing (and I think you would be a great nurse, btw, because you have that empathy that is rare), then don't let this one class stand in your way! Love you!

Mallory said...

Anatomy is one of the hardest classes I have ever taken and you doing it in 6 weeks is amazing!

Keep going, keep studying, keep thinking about what you want and feel you are meant to do. Sending good thoughts your way!

Kelsey said...

Wow you sound like me about a month ago! I just failed anatomy. I Got a 69.4 and needed a 70 in the class talk about failure. I think all the time how can I be a nurse but I can't pass anatomy. It makes you want to give up but I want it too bad and keep thinking how I just want to work with the kids and help them! Find something that keeps you striving!