Monday, June 20, 2011

Missing You...


I don't even know what to say right now. I just miss you a lot. I think about you all the time. I cry every time I think about you and the things I miss about you. I thought as time went on, it would get easier for me but it hasn't it gets harder.
I cry as I write this to you.

I want to be able to talk to you. I want to call you up and chat with you.
I don't even know where to begin right now as my life has been nuts this past year.
It might have helped if you were here so I can get advice from you.
It has been rough.
But I made it :)

It shocks me that is has been 5 /12 years since you passed away. Too long!!
I went to the cemetery the other day with Tony. We cleaned it up for mom, so it looks nice when we comes to town next week. I don't go very often...actually hardly ever. It just doesn't do much for me to go sit there. I think about you without being there.

Life without you isn't getting easier. I am dealing with it. But there is still a lot of pain.
I cry a lot.
I cry so easily.

I watched a movie the other night called, Letters to God.
This little boy had a brain tumor/cancer and it was about his journey. How he was strong and believed and was ready whenever God wanted him, but his family and friends were that strong.
I cried a lot watching it. It was heart breaking. He was so little.
Did I mention it was based on a true story...which makes it even more devastating.
It was so sad.

It is so hard to hear stories like that or others similar. I know what those families go through. I know what it is like to lose someone so close to you. So when I hear about it, I cry. I didn't used to cry, but I do now.
No family should have to go through losing a sibling or child.
It is just not fair.

This is where I struggle a lot with becoming a nurse.
I only want to work with infants and children, not adults.
But I am honestly not sure if I can do it. There is just too much pain inside of me.
I am not sure if I can handle watching children suffer. Or watching parents and family suffer.
I will just cry for them. I will be emotionally exhausted with them.
No words help in these situations.
Which will make it even worse.

I know not all the children die, but those that will...oh I just don't know if I can go through that.
I want to help children out. I want to do something for children in the medical field.
I would love to carry on your legacy and do something with Muscular Dystrophy,
but everything I have looked into is volunteer.
Can't have a family based off volunteer work.

I don't know Erich. I don't know what to do.
Up until you passed away, I helped take care of you.
I was always there to help. I know what it is like to care of a patient.
At times, I could have been friendlier to you...but hey! I am your favorite sister, I had to be a bitch sometimes ;)
I'm not sure where to go from here. What to do with my life.
I wish there was some way I could work with children, in the medical field, but not have constant direct patient care. I want to help kids like you Erich.
Help me out here...please :)

I miss you.
I tell Tony stories about you all the time. Being at Sherri's house right now, she tells him stories too.
So he is hearing lots about you :)
Really wish you two could have met.

Think about you all the time.
Whenever I hear Guns N' Roses I think of you.
I blast it if I'm in the car.

I love you!!


Sharon said...

Wow what can I say sweetie to ease your pain... nothing.You lost your brother , your bst friend. It was not suppose to be like that. You two were suppose to be there for each other for life. But this damned disease took Erich and our lives will never be the same. I know how much you want to work with kids, and there are other ways besides nursing and having to deal with children sick and dying. A big thing now is being a patient advocate for children and you fight for thier rights to medical care and social help. that would be an awesome way as so many people do not know whats out there or dont know what their rights are. I know Erich wants you to be nothing but happy and I know one of the ways though to make you happy and me is to do something to honur him, whether it be one thing or a life time of things. YOu have to follow your heart and if your heart cannot deal with dying or sick children on a care taker basis, then nuring is not for you sweeetie, it will drain all of the life out of you. I kow youare struggling right yourself up to suggestions from Erich and try and listen to your inner voice and what it is telling you to do. I love you.

Angela said...

For what it's worth, I think it would be so much more meaningful and comforting to families to have a nurse who can truly empathize--not just sympathize--with what they are going through. It may be draining for you, but you could provide so much guidance and understanding to people based on your own tragic experience and drawing from your continuing love for Erich.

Lindsay said...

Oh girl my heart breaks for you! This is such a beautiful post. I lost a DEAR friend in 2007 and it still feels like yesterday. Words will never take that pain away. I will pray for you! HUGS

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

This is my first time on your blog and I truly have tears running down my face right now. It's so hard to lose people we love. I lost someone last year and every time I think of him tears well up in my eyes. I just try to tell myself he wouldn't want me to be sad and I'm sure Erich wouldn't want you to be sad either.

Kaitlin Godfrey said...

I am so sorry about your brother. Such a beautiful, heart felt letter. I don't know how the pain ever eases from that.

mojo said...

you will make an EXCELLENT nurse! you can't give up. working in the medical field takes the perfect balance of heart and head, and i think you've got it. having been through everything that you and your family have been through with erich, you are the kind of person that i would want to take care of my children. it can be hard to watch those around you suffer, but draw strength from erich, and from the times that you had together, taking care of him, laughing with him, and loving him- and show those that are in a distressed situation kindness, compassion, and understanding. this world could use a few more nurses like you, lindz, really. working in a field where life is constantly ending and beginning can be emotionally taxing and physically draining, but i believe that you have what it takes to succeed. you have the drive, if you want this bad enough, you can do it, don't be scared. for family's that are given bad news, someone like you could be their beacon of hope, their shoulder to lean on in times of struggle, because you have been there. it's all about what you want to do, my love, and if you don't think that the pros outweigh the cons of such a position, know that you will find your place, with time. nothing comes easy in life, particularly the things that mean the most. wherever you go, whatever you do- you will be great lindsay, you have to believe in yourself. you have the best guardian angel watching over you, guiding you, and giving you the strength and encouragement you need to succeed, you just have to listen for it. i'm sorry for the novel....i just wanted you to know that i believe in you, and i believe that you are meant to impact the lives of others, and to retell the legacy of your brother through your care of other people. everything happens for a reason lindz, sometimes it's not so clear, sometimes it is- God made you strong, kind, compassionate and loving so you could make a difference in this world, and you will- just give it some time.

i love you and i'm always here if you need someone to talk to!