Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Nerve.Wracking.

Monday December 19th I was home alone while Tony was working the night shift. While I was working out, my lower back was in a lot of pain. Like a lot. I couldn't figure out why, but I just brushed it off and continued to work out. Afterwards I made some dinner, relaxed and watched the news. Finally it was time to shower...so I headed into the bathroom. {This may be too much info for you all, but I need to write this for my own sanity}I sat on the toilet to remove my tampon but as I was taking my tampon out I felt a suction of some sort I guess I could say. It felt weird coming out. It totally scared the shit out of me. So I looked in the toilet and saw this big 'blob' attached to the tampon. I knew instantly it was not a blood clot. I know what a blood clot is and this wasn't it. I freaked out and called my mom. I took a photo and sent it to her telling her this has to be a miscarriage. I got the tongs out of the kitchen to pull this thing up from the bottom of the toilet and to look more closely at it. I explained to mom again, sent another photo. I started crying. I could tell in my mom's voice that she knew this was a miscarriage...but she tells me to call Kylie (my friend whose a nurse) and send her the photo. So I called her and explain everything and send the photo. She tells her mom (an OB nurse). They both tell me they are 99% sure it is a miscarriage. So I start bawling. Kylie tells me to make an appointment to see my doctor first thing in the morning. I hang up. I was sitting alone. Waiting for Tony to get off work. I didn't want call him and have him come home. We need the money. He couldn't do a whole lot for me anyways. Yes, him being there would have helped...but since I wasn't sure this was a miscarried I decided to wait to tell him in person what had happened. Finally he got home about 10:30 or so. I explained everything. Tony just held me. Hugged me. Loved on me.

It was strange. I instantly lost a part of me. Something that Tony and I created together. Was gone. Something I wanted so badly was now nothing. All these emotions are running through my head. I'm crying. I'm shaking. It was devastating. I know mother's talk about how instantly they are connected to the baby growing inside them, and you never really know until you are pregnant. Well...that is how I felt. No words can describe how I felt that night. It was seriously awful. As I type this I am tearing up. Telling Tony. Talking to my mom. Aarika. Kylie. I cried. And cried. I finally was able to fall asleep.

The next morning, I immediately called the doctor. The damn insurance I have, I had to end up going to the ER. It wasn't crowded so I knew I would get in pretty quick. I get in, the nurse and doctor come in. I explain everything to them. Show them the photo. The do a pregnancy blood test, a quick internal exam, and then say I need an ultrasound. I get the US. The blood results come back with negative pregnancy hormones. I was so relieved. It was like a weigh had been lifted off my shoulders. Again no words to describe.
About an hour later I get the US results back...that confirms no pregnancy. But...yes there is a but.
I have a cyst. A large cyst on my right ovary. It measures (as of two weeks ago) 10cm. Anything over 6cm is quite worrisome. So ER doctor says I need this taken care of quick.
I called and made a gyno appointment. After a bunch of hassle and bitching I get in two days later, Thursday the 22nd. The doctor reads my tests results and does a quick exam. He tells me this cyst is way too large. I told him I haven't had any pain. Just pain from cramps for period.
Nothing worth taking Motrin over.

Gyno explained that anything over 6cm they worry about. Usually cyst cane go away on their own, but mine being so large it will not. It has taken over my right ovary. It is pushing against my organs and towards my left ovary as well. It is a little bigger than the length of an iPhone. So he proceeds to tell me I need this removed, it is urgent. I will also need my right ovary removed. Before they remove my right ovary they will look at the left one to make sure no cysts are on it and make sure it is functioning. If so, they will remove the right ovary. He said the cyst could have grown in the last few days, weeks or months.
This totally freaked me out, but he assured me I can still get pregnant.
May take a bit longer, but not to worry.

Then he tells me I need to get blood taken just to ensure there is not cancerous cells in the cyst.
My thinking...Come again?!?!?! Never would I think I need to get tested for cancer. Again scared shitless!! Friday morning, before we left to celebrate Christmas, I went in to get my blood drawn. For cancer. Again no words can describe that feeling.

A week later, December 29th, I got a phone call at about 7pm from the doctor. Two of my results came back fine, the third was a little elevated. Translation...he is pretty sure I have endometriosis, but will not know for sure until I have my laparoscopy for my cyst/ovary removal and can see everything going on inside of me.
The cyst has effected my hormones which is why my period is so abnormal. He tells me all this shouldn't effect getting pregnant, and actually birth control pills/pregnancy helps those who have endometriosis because there is no scarring/release of eggs during that time. So of course I told Tony we better get on the baby making stuff once I am 'fixed.' ;-)

While I am waiting for surgery, the doctor advised no exercise because the cyst is so large it can rupture and/or twist, no lifting heavy objects, and no sex. This is so hard for me because i have been working out like crazy and feeling amazing and now I feel like it all went to shit. I feel like a slug :-/ It's terrible.
And no sex?!? Serious??? It has been 3 weeks now and I haven't even had the surgery yet.
But I know it is better to be cautious and safe than to cause more issues.

Oh, so the 'thing' that came out of me apparently was just tissue. Still find that hard to believe and kind of odd, but the doctors assured me it wasn't abnormal. I am glad it happened, even though it was emotionally exhausting, because I never would have known about this cyst.
Or would have found out after a rupture and extreme pain.

So for these last two weeks I have had my mind all over the place. Lots and lots of thinking. Wondering if we will have trouble when we start trying to have kids. Will I be able to have kids.
Will my left ovary be fine and able to produce eggs.
Will my endometriosis be worse or more apparent once the cyst is removed.
So many thoughts. Too much thinking.
It has been emotional and exahusting.

Now I am just waiting for my surgery authorization to go through. Once that happens, I can schedule the date. It is outpatient, but will have to be off work 2-3 days.
And takes about 2 weeks to fully recover the doc told me.

Great way to start 2012 right?
I am thinking positively about it. Seriously, I am.
I know everything will be ok.

20 comments:

Lauren @ Dreams Take Flight said...

Oh my gosh, Lindsay! How scary...I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. It is lucky that you decided to go to the doctor and found out what was going on. I'll be thinking of you!

Kate said...

Oh my. I don't even know what to say other than you are not the only one I know going through this right now -- so is one of my best friends. She just found out in Sept. She had her surgery and her and her husband immediately started to try to get pregnant (even though they were planning on waiting longer). Good luck to you. I'll be praying...

David and Elizabeth said...

oh my goodness Lindsay...i cannot even imagaine what you are going through, you are so strong and have such a great outlook on the situation. i will keep you and tony in my thoughts!

Caroline said...

Oh, you poor thing. I had a dermoid cyst (fibroid cyst) that had to be removed in 2010. So I can fully empathize with you. I know this is no fun, but it's a step closer to helping you start a family. It'll be worth it in the end. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. Email me if you need to chat.

Samantha Lynne said...

Everything will work out and be okay! Trust in God and the doctors :) and do NOT read about it on the internet, it always makes things seem worse than they really are.
xo
Samantha

betterblondesam.blogspot.com

Angela said...

Lindsay, I will put you and Tony in my prayers. It is a scary ordeal but I trust that things will work out! My good friend Steph (you met her) has endometriosis and tried for awhile to get pregnant. After much patience and prayer, she is due in March! And she is older than you, so you have lots of time. Hope everything goes smoothly from here and glad that it does not appear to be cancerous.

Michelle said...

Oh my goodness - this is so scary. Sending positive thoughts your way and hoping everything comes out well and you'll have an exciting pregnancy announcement in the near future.

Michaela said...

Oh my goodness this is so scary. Sending all my love and thoughts your way x

Tami said...

What a rough few weeks you've had! I'm so sorry girl! Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!

Katherine said...

sorry to hear you have been through so much! i hope everything turns out for the best and there are no complications. some good friends of ours are going to start trying for a baby very soon because she suffers from severe endometriosis. prayers for you two!

Smiling is Good for Your Teeth said...

I think I stopped breathing when I read this. Oh my gosh! I can't even imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Tony. Everything will be alright. Please let me know if you need anything (i.e. some girl time)! :-)

Lindsay said...

I can't imagine what you were/are feeling! It sounds like you have good support from your friends/family/doctors, and that will help you tremendously moving forward.

I wish you the best of luck moving forward :)

Mrs. Mama said...

wow Linds. How scary. i am so sorry you had to go through this... will be thinking about you this month... keep us updated. let me know if you need anyone to talk to.. hear for you. xox

Lindsay said...

I am praying for you! This is so scary girl! Stay strong and know God is protecting you! XOXO

The Burtons said...

I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through! I can only imagine how scary that must be. I'll be sending positive vibes your way! :)

Sarah said...

Oh my goodness, what a story! I will keep you in my prayers.

Hoping for a quick recovery! :)

Kasey Lynne said...

Oh my gosh!!

Praying that the test comes back NEGATIVE for cancer. I am so sorry you are going through this!!!

Carol {Everyday Delights} said...

Oh my gosh I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I'm keeping you all in my prayers...

Mallory said...

How scary, but it seems like you did the exact right things! Will be sending good thoughts and prayers your way!!!

Katie said...

Aw Lindsey I'm so sorry! I'll be praying for you today. xoxo