Tuesday, February 19, 2013

My Insecurity

I struggle with a major insecurity. I have always been self conscious. I have always had low self esteem. There is a part of me that truly cares what others think. But then there is another part of me that says, who the f&*k cares what they think, it's my life. I need to live it. The sad part if the latter usually doesn't win.

I grew up with loving parents. Divorced, but totally loving. I got everything I wanted. I rarely ever got in trouble. My childhood was good. Great actually! I grew up with my cousins just steps away. It was the best thing ever to have them close by.

But deep down there was something that held me back. Not sure if it was because I didn't have a mom and dad living under one roof like most of my friends. Not sure if it was because I was a bit of a chunk growing up. Not sure if it was because I was my disabled brother's right hand man. Not sure....
Now that I am 29 years old, I am afraid to push myself. I am nervous to try new things. To follow my dreams and passions. Yes, I have written about just doing it. No fears. But there is. So much fear actually. I am afraid to let my husband down. My parents. I am afraid of failure. I don't want people to think I'm a quitter for following my heart.

I so badly want to be great at photography. I so badly want to be a wonderful momma. I so badly want to be in amazing shape. I want people to look up to me, like I do to so many others. I want to be that person women and men think highly of. That might sound completely and totally conceited, but it's true. I want to be the person, that I see in so many others.

Growing up in junior high and high school, I was always in the 'popular' crowd. Granted I went to a small, like extremely small, but people knew me. I was friends with the star athletes. I wasn't athletic growing up. Just didn't have it in me. Was scared. Again, insecurities. I tried out for cheerleading from 8-12 grade, never made it. But I was so determined. I tried my hardest. But they didn't want me. It was a heart break each and every year. I had a huge meltdown every.single.time.

I had acne. Like the kind of acne you can't not look at. Yea...that was me. I had it for years!!! I always thought that was why I didn't make cheer or why I was always good friends with guys, but never anything more. Again...insecure and self conscious. Of everything I did.

Having low self esteem sucks! It is hard to overcome the thoughts. Most people I know, don't have a clue I feel this way. But it is something I deeply struggle with. Something I wish I could just snap my fingers and it would magically go away.

I am afraid people will think I am fat. My outfit looks hideous. My photography is crap. I'm not funny. Oh the list goes on. I hate that I have to find my 'worth' through what others think about me. I feel like I need others approval to move forward with a passion. A dream. Why do I do things to make other people happy, more so than myself?!?
I tell myself no one else's feelings, thoughts, opinions should matter. I tell myself this all the time. But I still come back to the feeling of what others think about me.

Maybe the way I grew up caused me to have these feelings. Hiding behind my brother's identity. Caring for my brother and sisters. Being more mature than all my friends due to a disabled brother.

I am not blaming anyone or anything. I am just trying to figure this out, so I can move forward. And be 100% happy with who I am. Where I want to go. What I want to do.
I want to be strong enough to follow my heart. I need and want to be proud of the person I have become. I would love to pursue my passions. To not give a hoot-n-holler about the opinions of others. I want to shove the low self esteem and insecurities aside. But how do I get there? How do I become the person I need to be. The person I want to be. How do I do it?????

I linked up with Becky for her Women Connect series. A place to write from the soul. Write to your hearts content. Be you.


Kate said...

Wow - what a powerful and candid post! Thank you for exposing your truth and owning it... you are brave and appear to be anything BUT insecure.

I understand what you're saying though -- my husband has suffered from extreme insecurities. It has taken me YEARS of constant building him up, telling him I believe in him, telling him he's hot, telling him he's a wonderful provider, telling him he can do anything... and he finally has the highest self esteem he's ever had. I'm not saying it's all because of me, but he never had consistent positive reinforcement until I came along. And I'm not blowing smoke up his ass... I truly feel what I say.

I love him because he's so humble, so sensitive to others and so kind. I think this all stems from his insecurities. I mean, what beautiful traits to possess. You seem to posess those same traits!

I can understand the concept of fear, but do whatever you can to not let it hold you back from living out your dreams. You are a truly amazing friend -- this I'm lucky to know first hand -- and it appears that you adore your husband and family. You've been given everything people dream of... don't dwell on the negatives. Focus on the positives. You ARE thin. You ARE a good photographer. You ARE very pretty. You ARE the sweetest. Believe in yourself friend...

Kristina said...

What a wonderful and open post. I have also struggled with insecurities my entire life. I always thought I wasn't, good enough, skinny enough or pretty enough. It took all of my teens and twenties to realize all of those things I worried about were unimportant to the people who really cared and loved me.

Over the summer I lost a baby to an ectopic pregnancy and have been unsuccessfully trying to have another since. It has brought back so many of those insecurities. I think I'm not good enough to be a mom, or my body isn't healthy enough. Once again I am struggling to get back the confidence I once had. It always seems like an uphill battle. I take comfort in knowing some day I will get there! I believe in you too!

Rebekah said...

This is such an honest post. I think we all have insecurities and it will always be something we deal with! I know I'm dealing with my own but once we realize our insecurities, we can start to move forward!

Sharon said...

I wanted to cry when I read this as I feel so much of what you feel is casued by me ... by me not being the strong assertive role model you needed growing up. I struggle with this constantlyalso; not as bad as you do but it is there and I feel horrible that youare dealing with it. If only you believed in yourslef, in your abilities to do anyting you wanted to do and be amazing at it. You are beautiful, compassionate, energetic, funny, infact hilarious at times, flirtatious, amazing, and a beautiful soul. How can thisperson have no confidence? they say you have to just DO IT. And I think that is they key, even with no confidence you have ot do it and it is only by doing it will you gainthe confidence. Dont be like your mamma at 56 and still be doubting herself. Its no fun. Ilove you sweetie. Now go capture the world!

[darci @ the good life] said...

Well, dear - I think you are awesome, fun and beautiful and I don't even "know" you. Great post......I think it's so important that you've realized your own insecurities and been honest with yourself about them. I also think it's pretty crazy that sometimes these life-long insecurities don't become blatantly obvious to us until early adult-hood? At least that was the case for me anyway.

I'm very much the same w/ regards to insecurities / questioning myself. But, when I start to feel that way, I just remind myself that I'm actually pretty awesome and can do whatever I set my mind to. This dawns on me normally after talking to someone I'm really close to....my brother, best friend, etc. They know me and get me. And they see the best in me and know what I'm capable of even when I don't.

Anyway, I've rambled. Surprise, surprise. Just wanted to leave a note of encouragement AND to say that you aren't alone.

Thought I'd share one of my favorite quotes that really applies to this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"


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