Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Lost

I have been struggling a lot lately. My body cannot relax. My mind won't shut off. My stress level is way higher than it should be. And I just don't know how to fix it. Or change it.
I have no idea how to let my body just be. How do I just forget what is going on inside my body and just go through life?!? I can't. Or I don't know how. Either way, I'm truly lost.

Recently I discovered another cyst on my left ovary. My only ovary. Not just a small cyst. No, my body likes to produce huge cyst. And by huge I mean as of this morning {7/19} it is 8.5cm. I am so over this.
It is literally taking over my life. My thoughts. My daily activities.

I feel like if I try to work out, it will burst or twist. If we have adult time, I can't relax because well yea...Normal daily activies stress me about because I have to be extra careful. I don't want to go through surgery again because my body took forever and a day to heal. I bled way too much. Apparently my body doesn't clot quickly enough. And I don't want to risk the doctor nipping something and needing to take my one and only ovary. My one and only chance at getting pregnant. The thought just devastates me.

I went to the doctor on Monday {7/15} and he didn't seem too concerned, as I have no pain. He says, ' yes it is large, but you have no pain so you are ok.' Umm really because I don't feel ok.

Any wrong twisting or turning could torse my ovary. Cause it to bleed or even kill the ovary. I know that may sound dramatic, but it is true. It can happen. It has torsed before and I have never been in so much pain in my life.

I want kids. I have always wanted to be a mom. More than anything in life, that has been my dream job. I have expressed these feelings to doctors and for some reason are yet too concerned. How can you not be concerned with a cyst the size of a softball on my only ovary?!?!? Being that is it a cyst is good, I totally understand that. Being filled with only fluid rather than solid. But still....

You never think you will have so much difficulty getting pregnant. Growing up you think...well duh you have sex, you get pregnant. For some it seems to be that case. They just look at each other. Then have sex once or twice during the ovulation period and BAM!! They get to hear that baby cry 9 months later. And for some this just keeps happening and they have no struggle. I hear/read complaints that someone is trying to get pregnant and it hasn't happened in 3 months, so something must be wrong.

Really?!?! For me it seems you would be a little more sensitive on this subject as women should know, or so I thought they should, that pregnancy is a touchy subject. We have no idea what some women are going through to have that baby. So be a little more cautious, would ya? Now that may sound pretty harsh but I guess it is because I have heard things way too much.

For others, like myself, it is a struggle. A big struggle. Sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know I may not be there yet, but I sure have my days where I feel like it.

Since I have been with this new doctor, it has been 10 months of getting no pregancies. But in reality it has been about a year and a half of trying and no pregnancies. To me that is hard to grasp. To me that means I am infertile.

This is where I get depressed and sad and worried and mad and every other emotion you can think of.
Of course I think why me?!? Why do all these women who don't want kids, get them. And some that really truly long to be a mom, don't?!

I know everyone says it is in God's timing, and I get that. To a point. I try to give it up to him. I try. Either I suck at trying or I am doing something wrong. I don't know. But, something needs to happen. I cannot go on any meds until this cyst gets smaller...so I feel stuck. I feel like I am a lost cause. It is my fault we have'n't got pregnant yet.

My body isn't letting me be a mommy...

8 comments:

Stephanie said...

You should read this blog post....http://shullfamily.blogspot.com/2013/02/infertility.html

She has some really great things to say about this subject. :)

Gentel McKenney said...

I just want to say that I'm truly sorry, and thank you for sharing yourself and baring your soul for us.

I had a miscarriage once, and I remember my grandmother telling me that one day I would have that baby because it was God's timing.

Now that my husband and I ARE trying, I am holding onto those words, and that hope.

Just know you are not alone and I am praying for you! xo

Caitlin said...

I know you've had struggles in the past and these posts break my heart :( Is there anything they can do for your cysts? At all???

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers <3

Kathryn said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I've been there too and know how frustrating it is when everyone around you seems to get pregnant by the drop of a hat. I know it's hard but you just have to try to stay positive and know it WILL happen for you guys! Let me know if you ever want to talk/vent. I know it helped me talking to someone who had gone through it and all the many emotions.

Ashley said...

Ugh that sucks!! But hang in there! Although I can't promise your future, I can tell you to never give up! Something's just take time, and yes some people are soo damn lucky with their time and others like myself go through hell and back!! But just promise not to give up or lose hope! This will all be worth it one day, it will never make sense, but it will be worth it!! Have you tried any medicated cycles yet? Can they recommend any natural ways to shrink the cyst?

Lindsay @ Love In Her Eyes said...

Thanks Steph! :) Will check it out now :)

The Bradleys said...

Thank you for sharing what you are going through!! I highly recommend looking into Dr Schultze's Female tinctures as they have helped us, as has his teacher's formulas ( Dr. Christopher's Originals).

Elisabeth Marks said...

I am so thankful I found your blog. My husband and I have been trying for 14 months. It really does make it harder when so many around you are getting pregnant. I have a similar story to yours. My doctor thinks Endo or pcos. I am afraid to find out because that makes it real. One thing that helps is knowing I am not alone in this struggle. Thank you for sharing your experience through this blog.