Friday, January 31, 2014

Babymaking {update}

Another round down...a no double lines.
Yup, I have now completed 2 rounds of Clomid. Four months of tracking everything.
Nothing yet...

I have one round left. March is the last month of us trying 'naturally' with Clomid. If there is no baby by then, we are told to do IVF. Those words letters scare me.

The money issue is a huge concern. The risk of it not working the first time. Having to pay for it a second round. The hormones and such that mess with your body. I hear it does wonders...

So can I just say I am beyond frustrated.
Trying so hard to be positive.
Not to think about it all.the.damn.time., but it is so hard!!!

How do you not get frustrated or discouraged or angry or jealous? How? I need help with this!

I so badly want to be a momma. And Tony to be a dad. He so badly wants it. He always asks me when I am going to give him a baby. Honestly, that breaks my heart. I am strong and cheerful when I respond. But in my mind, all I think about is how it is all my fault.
It is my fault, my health issues, my body that isn't giving him a kid.
It sucks! Big time!

Personally, I only know one person going through similar issues. She is actually much further along in the process...IVF... She is the only one who truly knows what I am going through. She is the only one who I can related to. Ask for advice. Ask for encouragement. Complain and bitch to. We have our days. Bad ones. Those days make me want to stay in bed and cry. We all have those feel sorry for me days, I just don't express them too often. To anyone.

I just want to know why. Why is this happening to me?? I hate asking that, or even saying writing it, but I want to know. There are so many women out there who don't deserve their kids. Who treat them like shit. Who aren't grateful for being able to have their five kids. All I want is one. I just want to be a mom. To watch a kid grow up and play sports. To hear someone call me momma. To see Tony hold our baby for the first time. I long for it. Every day.

I am a healthy person. I eat healthy. I work out. But in the end, that doesn't really mean anything when it comes to getting pregnant. So I have learned. It just doesn't matter. There is something not working inside my body. I have endometriosis...bad. I only have one ovary. That alone makes the odds not in my favor. Maybe something else is wrong. Maybe my uterus isn't competent to hold a baby. To allow a fertilized egg to stick.  But in due time, I will find out.

Being on Clomid hasn't really affected me. I don't noticed much of a change in my attitude, moods, or anything else. Which I am so grateful for because I have heard it can really screw with your body. I just wish these five little pills would work their magic.

I know I probably have said this before, but I just never would have thought I would be at this point. So close to possibly needing IVF. Having so much trouble getting pregnant. I never in a million years even thought about it. Who does!??! You think have unprotected sex...get pregnant. Guess it isn't that easy for everyone. Myself included.

So yea...that's where we are at with babymaking. I hope to have good news before March. So positive thoughts, prayers, good vibes...whatever you do....please please send them our way :)


Maran (HeyHawleywood) said...

thinking about you girl. I was wondering how things were going. It is so hard to not be frustrated and jealous and just angry at the world. We are on track to start IUI in March too. Praying for my body to just naturally let this finally happen before then but after 20 months, I am not hopeful. Happy baby dust sent your way this next month!!!

Caitlin said...

Reading about the part about Tony asking and it breaking your heart broke mine too. I keep praying for you and cannot wait for you to make the announcement one day. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you and can't wait to see you be a Mom. You'll be the best out there and it does suck to see parents out there with kids they absolutely do not deserve.

You do have such a positive attitude and your strength is inspiring!!

Leigh said...

So sorry to hear that you have to go through this. A close friend went through the same thing, so if you want me to connect you with her, let me know.

Kathryn said...

Aw so sorry to hear Clomid hasn't worked yet....I was thinking about you! Will they let you try IUI before you go into IVF? We did that when clomid didn't work and we got the girls so that worked for us! It's less invasive and expensive too. Not sure if that's an option but you could always ask :) sending lots of baby vibes your way!!

Sharon said...

Sweetie - I would give anything for you to have a baby - I don't think I have ever known anyone who wanted one as much as you and yet cannot get pregnant. Do not blame yourself; things happen and it is life that you are having issues. Don't feel bad when Tony asks you, please. He understands. One day you will have a baby - we all know it and no one has given up hope. We pray constantly for you - it all will help. You are strong but you do not always have to hide your emotions. although I do not know the feelings you are going through, you are my daughter and I want you to share them with me also, if you can. I love you.

Elena Ridley said...

Found you via instagram!! You are not alone in this there are many of us out there going through these same situations and emotions. I start my injections of Follistem tonight for my 3rd round of IUI. Not to get too personal, but are you not ovulating at all? I wish you the best of luck. I know a fertility advisor that is very helpful and is expecting her first baby via IVF if you ever want someone to talk to about it, she is really good! Good luck to you!

Kate said...

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Ugh! I hate that you're going through this. It's so not fair!!

Sasha Savy said...

I hate to hear this for anyone. I pray you get a sweet bundle of your own soon. xoxo

Ashley said...

Ugh I'm soo sorry!! I know just how frustrating these feelings are and I wish there was a black and white answer as to why. After 4 years I still come back with nothing, except miracles happen when you least expect them!
Have you asked your doctor about femara before trying ivf. It's an alternative to clomid. If clomid doesn't work, often femara does. I did ivf, femara and then in a wimpy ploy tried clomid and it worked for me. Ovulation wasn't my problem, I just felt like I needed to do something. So ask about femara, some re's don't believe in it, it's also a breast cancer medication.
If you ever want to chat, I'm here!!

J and A said...

Oh girl, I know your pain. I'm the friend Leigh was talking about above. If you want to chat, vent, bitch - I'm here. I did 6 rounds of Clomid. Id love to chat if you want. I know what it's like when no one knows how you are feeling. And it sucks big time. Hang in there.