Friday, January 10, 2014

I Want To Be Me

I compare myself to others. Every single day.
I know it is so unhealthy and a terrible thing I deal with. But I don't know how not to. I don't know how to be just me. To not worry what other people think. To not compare myself with everyone else's life.

I don't know how to stop telling myself I am not worth it. Or good enough. Or pretty enough. Or fit enough. I don't know how.

I wake up every day, put a smile on my face and tell myself it will be a day of change. A day I will have confidence. Today will be the day I will push myself and figure out what I am supposed to be doing with this life. And by every day I clearly mean that figuratively. Some days I just don't think about it.

With all the social media out there. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, all makes me compare my life, my self, my everything to you. Each of you. And honestly I hate myself for it. I hate that I don't just be me. I try to show my true self here. Write the way I talk. Post things about my life and how we live and what we do. But in all honesty, I do try to bring to this blog what you want. I look at other blogs and see how many followers they have and how much fun their blog makes their life seem, and I try to be the same.

Oviously it isn't working.

We don't have money to do different things every weekend. We don't have a house to decorate or remodel. I can't go shopping every weekend. We don't always have plans on the weekends. Work and school take over my life Monday through Friday until 10:30p. Needless to say my life is especially boring during the week.

Some times we are boring. We do boring things, but that's life. The normal shit of being responsible. Groceries, cleaning, laundry, piddling around. Nothing crazy. At all.

Damn responsibilities!

But we do enjoy life. We enjoy each other. We know that this will be our year to begin to actually enjoy life. Make more money, Lord willing I get an Ultrasound Tech job come April. And hopefully figure out where to move to have that home to remodel or decorate or just simply enjoy.

I know we all have our own stories being written. I know you struggle with things too, some might be the same, some might be different. I choose to write on my blog about those struggles, you may not. I hope I connect with women who are struggling with infertility. I hope to make friends, whether we become real life friends or not. But I do find myself still comparing. Comparing to those women I have connected with. I look through their feeds, on all media, and think wow she is lucky....she has everything. Or so it seems...

I feel like I am a lost soul. I am not creative in the least. Or I don't know how to find that girl inside of me. I don't have a huge passion for anything. That sounds so terrible!! How does one not have a passion for anything!??! Of course there are things I enjoy, but a huge something that just makes my heart explode, yea I don't have that. Is that normal?

I search and search for something to put my whole heart into. To give my all. To enjoy something so much I wish I could do it all the time, but I don't have it. I haven't found it yet. I have thoughts in my head, so many ideas...but the confidence to follow through just isn't there. I see so many women following their dreams and giving up their day jobs for the thing they love, and I get jealous.

100% jealous.

But I don't do anything about it. That is my problem. I don't know how to follow through because I care too much. I care too much what you will all think.

How do I just be myself? How do I let my true self be fully exposed?

I so badly want to be that girl who people look at and are inspired. I want to be that girl who follows her dreams and heart and doesn't give a fuck {yes, I say bad words...probably a little too much} about what others think.

I want to be me. 100%


Shannon said...

found you via casey wiegand, and loved! the honesty of this post - thanks for putting so beautifully into words what I'm sure many can relate to - or at least i can!

Maran (HeyHawleywood) said...

I have a hard time identifying with the "perfect bloggers". It's not real. I want to hear the struggle, the doubt, the maybe crazy personal stuff. I am right there with you. Doubting all the time.

Joeylee said...

Your not the only one who compaires yourself to others, I think everyone does in someway. I know that I do, it's hard not to. Thanks for being so real, this is a great post

Kate said...

After the new year, I found myself reflecting a lot. I've written a post about "just being me" and plan to post it. I think going home for Christmas really made me reevaluate what's important and who I am in this world. I'm trying to get back to the "me" I've always been. I started with deleting blogs that bug the shit out of me and that make me feel not good enough. So many people make their lives look perfect and I'm convinced that those are the ones with the most issues (or maybe that's just what I want to believe, haha!). Anyhow, I hear ya -- Love this post!

Kate said...

PS. We'd be great friends irl. I just know it! I'm not passionate about anything either, unless you consider bad reality tv and bad red wine a passion... Oh, I think I'm passionate about my tan. How vain, no? Hahaha!!

Smiling is Good for Your Teeth said...

It really is hard NOT to compare! I do the same thing! Some blogs I can't even read because it just gets right under my skin. I think that it is especially easy to compare on instagram because it is really "in you face" and in real time.

I read this quote somewhere (paraphrasing) that said: we all need to stop comparing our 'behind the scenes' with everyone elses highlight reel.

Every time I am comparing what I am doing to others and it bugs me, I try to remember that quote. It sure helps a little. I tend to see all of these photos and read these stories and think to my self that I am clearly on a totally different page. But I also feel that if all we talked about and all we compared was our behind the scenes I think it would be kind of a pity party...don't you think? I guess which ones is better? Talk about a double edged sword!

Kathryn said...

You are great and real which is awesome!!! It is hard not to compare though ESP in the blogging world. There are some blogs I've stopped reading bc I feel like the person only talks about all the fabulous things and isn't real. I love your blog and look forward to seeing all the things in store for you guys this year!

Sharon said...

So many people compare their life's to others, and I think since the invention of social media this has become more of a problem, especially for women. We now see what everyone "out there" is doing and we want to be just like them. I did you so wrong by not building our self confidence as you were growing. Actually I never knew it was so bad until after you left home, and I let you down. If only we could believe what others see in us. Why is that so hard. Why is it so hard to admit we are good, we do good things, we have a good life. Maybe its not the life of our dreams but it s good for right now. You are amazing. Your passion is photography, and it is your lack of self confidence that keeps it hidden in a closet. Take that passion out one picture at a time - don't look at the entire process, just what can you do today to do just one thing towards your passion. One day at a time!

Ashley @ Words About Waverly said...

This is such a great post, so real & honest. :) Thanks for sharing!!

Angela said...

Lindsay, I can relate to you and I think you know that a lot of what you see in the blogging world is a front--people show the good and hide the bad. It's great that you are so honest and open about the struggles in your life. If I can speak freely without seeming judgmental, I wonder if that something you're searching for, that thing you yearn to be passionate about, is a relationship with God. I am selfish, shallow, materialistic, and so on, but I have been working on my relationship with God and my involvement in the Lord's church and you would be amazed at the contentment I find in the Bible. Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11-13, "...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." When I think of all that Paul endured, I find that the worries and comparisons and self-doubt fall away. I hope you take this as encouragement, not as a lecture or as if I think I have it all figured out! Love you