Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Word Jumble {Babymaking}

Well I finished my last round of Clomid and no baby....so that leaves us with the reality that we will have to pay a heavy price tag to get pregnant....

We are not financially prepared for this. Like at all. We don't want to charge it to the credit card because well, that is a lot of money to charge. Do you take loans out? Do you borrow from family {if your family in fact has that kind of money}? How do you pay for it?

Being that we aren't financially ready for this, I haven't seen a specialist. I don't know if it's because I am scared of what they will tell me. Or if it'll make me more stressed out. Or if I am in denial with the fact that we cannot conceive a baby on our own.

It is actually a tough thing to grasp. Really tough actually. I have said this before, and I'll say it again. Growing up, you never think you will have trouble getting pregnant. I always thought it was yam bam...2 pink lines {are they indeed pink?}. woo hoo! we are pregnant. Nope, not that simple...

I have relaxed more. I have learned to not stress as much. I really have.
I have learned to not thinking about...ok tonight let's have sex. let's make a baby.

I have learned to 'enjoy' the ride {pun intended} and see what happens.

But with that, and now that Clomid is over...I don't know what to think or do or say or how to feel.

I am trying so hard not to get discouraged or angry or jealous or mad and all those other terrible feelings, but seriously it is so hard! So so hard.

I know there are options and everyone has their own opinions. There is IUI, IVF and surrogacy. At least the ones I would consider at this moment in time. Being that I am 30 and not getting any younger, without any actual speciality doctor's advice, I would go with IVF or surrogacy to just get the show on the road.

Part of me also thinks, ok...my uterus isn't letting an egg stick, is it not capable of housing and growing a baby?!? So why not just jump to surrogacy? I haven't really looked into it, to be honest, but just some thoughts/concerns I will bring up to the doctor. If I knew surrogacy would work quicker and on the first shot, I would highly consider that before IVF, which isn't a guarantee.

Granted...nothing is. But I don't know...To me it just seems like something is wrong with my uterus. Or maybe it's my eggs. I do know it isn't my fallopian tube, that is clear and good to go ;) What causes someone so much difficulty??

All I know is we so badly want to be parents. And figuring out that process and how to pay for it, is more difficult than either of us ever imagined.


Kathryn said...

I'm sorry to hear the clomid didn't work :( it didn't do the trick for us either....I know it gets more expensive from here but I think talking to a specialist is good at least so you can get all your options laid out along with the costs. I know it's so frustrating!! Sending lots of baby vibes your way!!!

Maran (HeyHawleywood) said...

thinking of you my friend. it is so frustrating. I know the future doesn't seem so bright but as you said, there are options. It is not over for you. It's so easy to get down and lose faith in the process. I've been there. But seeing a specialist is what brought me hope again. Yes, they might say some scary things and bring the situation into a reality. But at least you know your options and it is in someone else's hands.

If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. xoxoxo

Katie said...

^^what Maran said! Always here for you girl and praying for you! xo

Smiling is Good for Your Teeth said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't even imagine. All of my good thoughts and prayers are being sent your way!